Fucking everything, one goat at a time!

Posts tagged “Ryan Reynolds

Let’s get this Apocalypse Started!

You now have two weeks to put out your album, record your masterpiece, write the Great American Novel, finish that short story, publish your web comic or what ever it is you want to do before it’s all said and done. If you have a girl (or guy) you want to bone, now is the time! Anything you want to say to your boss, parents, or school teachers you better say it in the next two weeks. Regardless of whether or not you believe in the Mayan Calendar prophecy or not, the end is nigh. Shit is about to hit the fan, and we can make this so, if we all just work together and try. The time has come, this world has outlived it’s usefulness. Seriously what has this planet ever done for you other than hold you down with it’s gravity? What has this world ever brought you but grief? Do you really want to stick around for a Highlander remake starring Ryan Reynolds? Do you really want to continue to live in a world with Ryan Reynolds? This is it the big one, and it doesn’t appear as if a comet is going to strike the Earth or the sun is going to explode or at least their not telling us if it is), so it’s up to us. It’s up to you and me, the common man, to make this apocalypse a reality. They don’t want to give us the end times we’ve been waiting on so we have to go out and burn down everything on our own. Statistically speaking someone reading this has to be an arsonist so we’re looking at you to get the ball rolling. An please don’t burn something stupid like an empty barn or Detroit. Try and think like a Norwegian Black Metal singer.

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I know to many backwards thinking Americas this may already seem like the end-times; a black man reelected to the White house, many of the Tea Party’s craziest defeated, gay marriage and marijuana on the rise, but trust me these are not signs of the end. These are actual good things. Which is why we here at Goat-fuckers HQ are worried that doomsday has been averted. We welcome the destruction of this world and though we have no doubt that Jesus will not return and no rapture will ever take place it doesn’t mean we can’t work together to bring about Armageddon! I’d love to be wrong, I would love to see the seas boil and the rivers run red, fire in the sky sounds lovely as well. In the end it really doesn’t matter if you’re waiting on the Four Horseman, Cthulhu, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster to come and take away your pain, let’s just get this done. We’re going to need more than a few arsonist lighting things on fire though, we’re going to need mass riots in the street, violent uprisings (Third World countries can’t do it all by themselves). We need ever paranoid schizophrenic in the country that’s walking around free thanks to the policies of the one true Anti-Christ; dear old Ronald, to go out and cause as much commotion as humanly possible. We need protest, and mas hysteria. We need people on the inside sabotaging the markets, we need ship boat captains getting drunk and crashing oil rigs into the coast of Maine and California. We need little old ladies wielding machetes at Shop’n’Save!

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I don’t know if you’re aware, but the History Channel 2 has been running Apocalypse theme marathons for a week and a half now and they promise to keep going right up until the 21st so take a minute to get your crazy juices all hyped up on some of that then take it to the streets. We are sick of waiting for good people to stand up and fight back against the injustice that goes on all around us. We are tired of watching the culture and humanity of this world erode into homogenous commercialism. Everything is just another product to be bought and sold. We are sick and tired of waiting and waiting for this world to end. Nothing good is really happening (except for the weed and queer equality stuff we mentioned earlier). I mean sure GTA V comes out next spring, but we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good. Seriously do you want the planet to be around for this;

I mean seriously is he just doing the Pirates of Caribbean guy with a bird on his head?

 

I for one would like to know that we all went out before such atrocities accord, that we were spared the horrors of any more Johnny Depp movies. But I also warned against his evil back when 21 Jump St. was still on the air. For as long as we have left the staff here at  Goat-Fuckers will be churning out the hype and hopefully inspiring you to get out there and make it happen. If we don’t get this apocalypse in gear we may have to wait for 2014 which is when Terrance McKenna figured it out to be on the I-Ching. Though (whatever) God (you believe in) help us all, I’m not sure mankind can suffer for two more years with this kind of shit coming down the pike!


Betty White can get it!

So now everybody wants to jump on the Betty White bandwagon! There are over 31, 000 supporters of the put Betty White on SNL Facebook group! Listen I don’t normally do this but…I was on Betty white before any of you posers. Back in the day I used to watch Golden Girls with my Grandma and crack up, even though I was way too young to even get the jokes. When I got a little older and realized that they were the real deal and the Designing Women broads were not, I beat off to all night Nick-at-Nite marathons of those golden ladies. I’m not new to this Betty White hotness; this is not a Betty White renaissance to me.

This is the only nude picture of Betty White I could find on the internet

So she does some funny Super Bowl ad! Only jack asses watch organized sports anyway. So she starred in some Romantic comedy along side of Sandra Bullock, and Ryan Reynolds! Big deal who in their right mind would watch a rom/com with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds? Who would watch a fucking rom/com to begin with??? Betty White was my bitch back in the day, like Golden Girls was the second coming! She was on the Mary Tyler Moore Show! She was on the original Match Game, back when them, mother-fuckers where all drunk as hell and shit! She was on Mama’s Family for fuck sake! I would eat apple sauce out of Betty Whites sweet, sweet ass! Ask anyone who knows me, whenever the question comes up about; “Which Golden Girl would you fuck?” my answer is always “All of them”. But when I explain the order, it goes; Bea Arthur (to get it out of the way), Estelle Getty (little tiny women break easy), Rue McClanahan (she may not be a freak just because she played one on TV), but I always save Betty White for last, not just because she’s built to last, but because she is the hottest mother fucking GMILF on the planet and I could lay up with her after the fact and build a nest. You know what I’m saying! Me, and B-Dubs would be tight like white on rice! I would stick it to her sweet Betty rolls like no other. I would drop to my knees for some sweet, sweet, Betty White loving. That voice and those eyes and she’s got that little something that says she’s bat shit crazy and those chicks are always the best in bed. And at her age all the kinks have been worked out so she would know how to use her kookiness to her advantage and bring out the real freak in the bedroom. C’mon you know what I’m saying! Betty white has that look that you just no she would be the bomb when you got her butt-naked and covered in Baby oil! So all you fake ass newbie’s trying to hop on the Betty White Train, better step-off, because, I’ve been down with the White since Kangaroo’s with the zip pouch.

Betty White's a Goatfucker