You now have two weeks to put out your album, record your masterpiece, write the Great American Novel, finish that short story, publish your web comic or what ever it is you want to do before it’s all said and done. If you have a girl (or guy) you want to bone, now is the time! Anything you want to say to your boss, parents, or school teachers you better say it in the next two weeks. Regardless of whether or not you believe in the Mayan Calendar prophecy or not, the end is nigh. Shit is about to hit the fan, and we can make this so, if we all just work together and try. The time has come, this world has outlived it’s usefulness. Seriously what has this planet ever done for you other than hold you down with it’s gravity? What has this world ever brought you but grief? Do you really want to stick around for a Highlander remake starring Ryan Reynolds? Do you really want to continue to live in a world with Ryan Reynolds? This is it the big one, and it doesn’t appear as if a comet is going to strike the Earth or the sun is going to explode or at least their not telling us if it is), so it’s up to us. It’s up to you and me, the common man, to make this apocalypse a reality. They don’t want to give us the end times we’ve been waiting on so we have to go out and burn down everything on our own. Statistically speaking someone reading this has to be an arsonist so we’re looking at you to get the ball rolling. An please don’t burn something stupid like an empty barn or Detroit. Try and think like a Norwegian Black Metal singer.
I know to many backwards thinking Americas this may already seem like the end-times; a black man reelected to the White house, many of the Tea Party’s craziest defeated, gay marriage and marijuana on the rise, but trust me these are not signs of the end. These are actual good things. Which is why we here at Goat-fuckers HQ are worried that doomsday has been averted. We welcome the destruction of this world and though we have no doubt that Jesus will not return and no rapture will ever take place it doesn’t mean we can’t work together to bring about Armageddon! I’d love to be wrong, I would love to see the seas boil and the rivers run red, fire in the sky sounds lovely as well. In the end it really doesn’t matter if you’re waiting on the Four Horseman, Cthulhu, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster to come and take away your pain, let’s just get this done. We’re going to need more than a few arsonist lighting things on fire though, we’re going to need mass riots in the street, violent uprisings (Third World countries can’t do it all by themselves). We need ever paranoid schizophrenic in the country that’s walking around free thanks to the policies of the one true Anti-Christ; dear old Ronald, to go out and cause as much commotion as humanly possible. We need protest, and mas hysteria. We need people on the inside sabotaging the markets, we need ship boat captains getting drunk and crashing oil rigs into the coast of Maine and California. We need little old ladies wielding machetes at Shop’n’Save!
I don’t know if you’re aware, but the History Channel 2 has been running Apocalypse theme marathons for a week and a half now and they promise to keep going right up until the 21st so take a minute to get your crazy juices all hyped up on some of that then take it to the streets. We are sick of waiting for good people to stand up and fight back against the injustice that goes on all around us. We are tired of watching the culture and humanity of this world erode into homogenous commercialism. Everything is just another product to be bought and sold. We are sick and tired of waiting and waiting for this world to end. Nothing good is really happening (except for the weed and queer equality stuff we mentioned earlier). I mean sure GTA V comes out next spring, but we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good. Seriously do you want the planet to be around for this;
I for one would like to know that we all went out before such atrocities accord, that we were spared the horrors of any more Johnny Depp movies. But I also warned against his evil back when 21 Jump St. was still on the air. For as long as we have left the staff here at Goat-Fuckers will be churning out the hype and hopefully inspiring you to get out there and make it happen. If we don’t get this apocalypse in gear we may have to wait for 2014 which is when Terrance McKenna figured it out to be on the I-Ching. Though (whatever) God (you believe in) help us all, I’m not sure mankind can suffer for two more years with this kind of shit coming down the pike!