Calling in from the fifth wall.
The lord Zed figurine of plastic darkness, angler on the lake of sorrow, measured in half by what he owed. Called forth tonight from the Himalayas. There wasn’t much we could do, but try and process the ghost. I’m getting eaten alive right now. I can feel the hurt from the inside seeping out to my pour and I need a cleansing. I need to be free from this hurt and I’m not talking about dying. I’m sure there is a name for it in some language that I have forgotten through time. MY mind is not what it used to be so you must forgive me. I see the sun set in the east and the west but never see it rise. I keep thinking to myself; how long did Buddha sit under that tree for. It’s not a very good model. This day and age we expect speed even with our enlightenment. That’s not how it’s done the universe keeps reminding me. I’m sure I will forget as soon as the drugs the aliens gave me where off. They fill you with hallucinogens while they perform their experiments on you. It’s not like they need the data it’s just for fun. They get bored waiting for us to evolve. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen in my life time. Unless you count the genetic modifications we make to ourselves trying to hurry evolution itself.
There are those who would contend that self modification is a form of evolution but I don’t agree totally. It is and it isn’t. I mean on the most basic premise and understanding of evolutionary theory it is, but in actual proven evolution it’s debatable. Humans have evolved, but now it’s the quite time when man is not visibly transforming. It’s happening all around you and it’s not over. I know I shouldn’t care about what you’re doing right now but I do. I care a lot and it’s making me cry that you haven’t called me. My heart was broken before this song came on. Somewhere out there I know there is someone waiting for me, but truth is I probably already pissed them off already thinking about you too much. Movement is limited in the heart but the city is big and so is the stated and the country is even bigger. Distance cannot fill the void though. Travel cannot reclaim the time spent and the years lost. I’m too old to find myself and too young to lose myself again. I am aware of who and what I am the blood is there in the soil and it want wash away.
There is an access point between worlds where we can see everything. And when I say everything I mean everything (Past, present, future, what could have been, what would have been, and beyond). The universe opens up like a flower there and the dawn is always just beyond the horizon. Not very fun to live in a place where everything is there but just out of reach, and where heaven is not a place where nothing ever happens. This is a false heaven and one must seek the land where change is infinite and undying. Where the unbridled life of chaos and disorder are mere molecules of love and hate; distilled for the enjoyment of others. “Speaks so clearly”, it says. None such luck Jack, the tongue gets tied up in the head of one so alone. I once lay dormant thriving on the unexpected. The machine elves drilled holes in my head but not to let the demons out. They put them in and locked them up with me. Up on that mountain I went to find enlightenment. Tried getting a Zen then had to learn a new Zen (Figured out about ten-by now). My rocket ship fits a lot.
As thinking the other day about how we were all just soul carriers. Not just of our own souls, but those around us, and those who have come before us. I’m sure there are others who have and still do feel this way. We express it differently and I have yet to find a proper name for it. Times are changing and things always need rearranging. I want to walk off into the sunset like a good cowboy/samurai. Yet their meanings are lost in time and the truth about cowboys and samurai is not a glorious as there Hollywood descriptions.
Not so Sincerely,
First off we would like to thank the good Doctor for lending us a hand while we were taking care of more pressing matters (like keeping a roof over our heads). I’m sure there are those of you out there who weren’t sure what to make of his left-handed path, or his calls to Midnight Ravers. Well, good, you should stay confused. Confusion is the key.
You can’t tell the woman from the man
No, I say you can’t, ’cause they’re dressed in the same pollution
Their mind is confused with confusion
With their problems since they’ve no solution:
They become the midnight ravers.
So there you have it! Any other questions you have for the Good Doctor can be directed at the man himself when he returns and trust me he will return.
In the meantime the Disaster Culture movement that we began in 2009 (earlier IRL, but for sake of arguing will go back to when we started this little blog), from movies to television shows everyone seems to be joining the cult of extinction. You all want to be End-Time Enthusiast! Zombies are this years Vampires, but they’re all equally undead. We all feel everyone else is the walking dead. The build up to 2012 felt a lot like the pre-millinal tension that led up to the year 2000, only darker and more hopeless. Everyone appears to be seeing that the truth we goat-fucking idiots have long been trumpeting; that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. NBC is advertising it’s new Thursday night as the last comedies you will see before the end of the world! The world is ending-have a cocktail! Disaster fashion is seeping up from the sewers into the main stream. Doomsayer tunes have invaded the ears of the “normal” world. A new Grand Theft Auto is coming out! Politics (which have always been about disaster and doom) have trended to the extra-dark, proclaiming every budget deadline the end of everything as we know it. As the world outside of America awakens and revolts, Americans squeak out a meager attempt at socioeconomic rage, in the pitiful hash-tag movement in which a group of out-of-work college students camp together in public spaces while playing the latest Elder Scrolls on their Mac Air laptops.
I’ve been doing quite a bit of movie reviews over here as of late, but not without due. Yet of all the amazing films I have seen lately a few days ago I was lucky enough to see a film that blew them all out of the water! I had the fortune, and opportunity to see a screening of Attack the Block and it was by far the best damn alien invasion flick since District 9! I know that’s a statement that has been made before, but that’s because it’s true. This is the movie that Super 8 wishes it was! This is Super 8 for those of us that didn’t grow up white, middle class, in the 1970s suburbs. If you haven’t heard about it, Attack the Block is about an alien invasion that lands in a south London projects that they call council estates! Unfortunately for the aliens the military never arrives and the police are useless, but a gang of the most badass awesome teenagers greets them with all the grit of any blonde-haired, blue eyed hero we’re used to smirking in the screen. There’s no painted on dirt and five o’clock stubble, the grit and the grime here are real.
Produced by Edgar Wright and featuring Nick Frost, this is the movie to see this summer. Written and directed masterfully by first-timer British comedian Joe Cornish. I recommend that if you like sci-fi, or even better if you don’t like sci-fi, you need to see this film. It’s so much more than just an alien invasion flick. There were moments in this movie that actually made me want to yell out and cheer, something I frown upon in most cases. I men they can’t hear you! But in this case I was hooked. It took me two days to stop imitating the accents of these kids in my head. I don’t want to give too much away, because I want each and every one of you to go and see this movie! The aliens are like nothing you’ve ever seen before (unless you’ve got an uncanny memory for Spaced)! The film itself is both scary and absolutely hilarious; the cast is phenomenal and led by break-out star John Boyega who plays 15 year-old, badass, Moses they make this feel less like an alien flick and more like a gangsta film.
Boyega comes off as a modern day Alex DeLarge, in fact the whole movie has a Clockwork verses the Aliens feel. Perhaps because I am an African-American whose favorite all time movie is Clockwork Orange that seems perfect for me. Or perhaps it’s because I grew up watching The East Enders of PBS that I feel more connected to these kids, than the ones in Super 8. I didn’t grow up in South London, but I did spend some of my formative years in some Suitland, Maryland slums that weren’t all that different from the ones in the film. And me and my friends weren’t terrible dissimilar either. Some of the people I saw the film with felt that the characters weren’t exactly the kinds of people they felt comfortable rooting for, but in my opinion they were exactly the boys I wanted on my side if something like this ever went down for real! I also like the fact that this wasn’t a big budget Hollywood summer action movie; this was a small British film that blows the doors off anything they got coming out this summer. This movie deserves to be the most talked about film of the year and in every major mega-plex making Ryan Reynolds and Michael Bay look like the piece of shit that they are. And if John Boyega doesn’t become the biggest star in the world and the next Denzel Washington then there is no justice in the world! Once you’ve seen it come back and leave a comment and we’ll discuss it in length.
So Marvel released some photos the other day of Bucky Barnes from the upcoming Captain America flick. For a second I’m going to put aside my anger at Chris Evans being both Steve Rogers (Captain America) and Johnny Storm (the Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies). Bucky Barnes (for those unfamiliar with comic books) is Captain Americas Robin! His kid sidekick in hot pants that 1940s comic artist seemed overly obsessed with. Perhaps it was the writers, but ultimately it fell on the editors to recognize that this sort of thing was not right. Maybe they explained it away by saying they needed a kid sidekick for the children reading the comics to relate to, but that didn’t mean they all had to be dressed up like some NAMBLA fetish model. I am a lifelong comic book reader and I have never liked or understood the prepubescent sidekick role. Perhaps it was because I read Rick Veitch’s Brat Pack at an all too young age! It was one of (if not the) first comics to deal with the fucked up nature of the child sidekick. Fresh off the heels of making Swamp-Thing the cross that Jesus was crucified on Veitch took on the subject straight ahead and called out all the old superheroes as pedo-bears in disguise. This was also just after DC had killed off the second Robin in a horrible explosion. Everyone in comics was taking a second (some cases first) long hard look at the kid sidekick (pun intended). It was during the eighties nearly 40 years later that this comic book archetype began to get evaluated and done away with. Now we are used to the trope being marginalized and or ridiculed by the likes of The Venture Brothers. Many comics have tried to ret-con the idea and make it somewhat palatable to modern audiences familiar with the word pedophilia. It was a different time back then, an age of innocence as the historians would have it painted, but we all know that the same demons which haunt mankind today haunted them in the post WWII era, they just didn’t have names for it (or didn’t use them widely) as we do now. Robin wasn’t the only kid sidekick in comics, and far from the first. Young boys hanging around old men, was overlooked, that’s how Catholic Priest were able to carry out their reign of terror for so long. Now Robin has to be Batman’s son or it’s just wrong, and Bucky has to be a little older and in the comics he becomes a Russian super solider and eventually the next Cap himself. Ironically the big Blue Boy Scout never had a kiddy sidekick, just a younger time traveling version of himself! They state that in the new movie Bucky will most definitely be older which is appropriate, and that the relationship between him and cap will be different than in the original 1940s comic. I personally prefer the way the Ultimate universe portrayed it and allowed Bucky to grow old and senile while cap lay frozen. Bucky even married Cap’s girl while he was stuck in a block of ice! A hell of a lot better than being some pre-teen boy toy for some spandex clad creepy Uncle Figure!
So I’ve been on these guys nuts pretty hard for quite while now! And one look at their site and you can see why. It’s as if Goatfucker.com had a more productive viral video wing. These amazing geniuses take the absolutely worst VHS tapes of yester-yore and turn them into pure gold, pure fucking gold! I love everything these fuckers do, but this here has to be the all time besties. Perhaps because I am biased on the subject matter, or perhaps because it features clips from Apocalyptic Cinema that even I (a connoisseur) do not recognize! I especially love the eye laser fight out of no where, and will someone please tell me what this amazing jam is playing as the soundtrack to the future!
Sunday I watched Rainn Wilson’s new movie Super. I rented it on Demand because I fucked off at the grocery store and missed the 7:30 show at the only theatre in town playing it. I had heard a lot about it and seen all the clips on YouTube, I was stoked. I had heard all the negative reviews calling it a darker less happy Kick-Ass, and had been intrigued by his obvious disdain for the genre in an article he wrote for EntertainmentWeekly. I knew going in that it was about a guy (Rainn) who loses his wife (Liv Tyler-yeah right obvious fantasy is obvious), to Kevin Bacon (does this count as two superhero movies for him this year since he’s doing X-Men: First Class too?). I also knew about (Juno/Kitty Pryde) Ellen Page as his kid sidekick, and that the movie was supposed to be “hyper” violent (a phrase that I adore), and all this made me want to see it more.
I had no clue that I wasn’t prepared for how “hyper” the violence was. It was obviously not a big budget film, it was filmed in Shreveport, Louisiana, about as far removed from Hollywood as you can get, and it shows. Which is part of the charm, they never say where there at in the film, and none of the characters have enough of an accent to even hint at what part of the country it’s in. This is to say, the story could take place anywhere. Immediately you get the since this will not just be a deconstruction of the vigilante superhero, and this will not be a smooth ride. After the set up we are let in on the fact that Frank (Wilson) has had pretty heavy schizophrenic visions since he was a wee lad. And I’m serious about the schizoid part! His full blown hallucinations are something that I personally have spent hundreds of dollars to achieve with no such luck as this guy (Happy Bicycle Day BTWs). The vision that leads to him becoming a costumed crime-fighter involves Wilson having his head ripped open and mind fucked by what he perceives as God, but has more of a passing resemblance to Japanese Tentacle porn! And if you have ever read Goatfucker.Com before, you know I love tentacle porn and people being raped by God-so this was awesome for me.
I guess I should have said *SPOILER ALERT* but if you’re too stupid to stop reading shit that you don’t want to know about then don’t waste your time commenting just go fucking die.
It becomes apparent fairly quickly that his mild mannered heroics (stopping drug dealers, bashing in the skulls of child molesters), with a monkey wrench, are not going to end well. With each successful outing Frank becomes more and more violent. In this he becomes more like the Punisher on a budget and without the Rambo training, than Kick-Ass. Kick-Ass by-the-way was a much more violent comic than the movie, and judging from all the crying online about the darkness and violence of this film I see now why they had to dumb it down for the rubes in Middle America. This movie was more realistic about it’s portrayal of violence, but it was still cartoonish and even funny. Who here hasn’t wanted to split someone’s head open for cutting in line? More so than I would for someone selling drugs, they’re providing a service that people want, if you’re too moral to handle drug use then you’re more like Frank than you care to admit and probably that’s what scares people about this movie. It’s not glorifying some lunatic who talks to god and starts cracking strangers over the head. It also begs to question to all the Batman fans out there the people that applaud the rich billionaire who takes it upon his lofty self to clean up the streets from the niggers and scum that are trying impeding on our perfect Christian lives. Frank is a loser who sits around alone watching Christian Superheroes on one of those shitty Jesus channels. Fuck Frank he’s not my kinda guy he’s a shmuck who believes the TV is talking to him! He probably watches the shit out of Glenn Beck.
The other characters aren’t all that great either, Ellen Page looking like a pedo’s wet dream is a bored 22 year old who works at a comic shop and bags hipster dweebs in her one bedroom attic apartment. She’s dying for some adventure and anything interesting to happen in her life so much so that she finds herself turned on by Rainn Wilson, who for all the money in the world would never bag a hipster hottie like Page! And that’s nothing against him, I have always said his character on the Office is my favorite, I think the guy is a genius and I’d love to see him get more work, but the fact is he’s the modern day Steve Buscemi! He ain’t winning no beauty contest. Any way back to Juno; her character lacks the moral understanding to know that keying your friend’s car is not an executable offense. I think it’s her character that strikes the biggest nerve. She is the product of a youth over saturated with violence, and made numb by it. Devoid of anything of her own she latches on to the first person that she’s as being deeper than their ironic T-shirt. She is amazing. And for the first time I saw her hotness. I thought she was cute in Juno and X-Men, but she looked thirteen, and she still looks thirteen in this, which is bad, but it works and she could defiantly hang out if I was in my twenties again. And like most art school dropout, hipster chicks (that have been around since before the term hipster came to its modern meaning in our lexicon), she is bat shit crazy! I will agree with the critics who have said that not enough was done with her character. We get our first glimpse of what’s up in this broads head just before we get to actually see what‘s in her head. And I won’t spoil that moment for you if you haven’t seen it but once you have you’ll know what I mean. Oh too far did I spoil it?
Liv Tyler and Kevin Bacon have to share most of their screen time which is all too brief. There are hints of coolness in Bacon, but he’s made out to be the villain in a fashion that I would have shied away from personally. He gives a great speech at the end that sums up Frank’s delusional mentality, before he’s put to it, and we find ourselves almost being shoe horned into an ending that didn’t quite fit. Through the whole movie you are shown that there are consequences to every act, each person meets a fate that was apropos to their story. I won’t blow it, but I will say this, I would like to for once see a movie where everybody dies. I want a film where not a single character survives and no lessons are learned, nothing will be heart-felt! All in all it was a great movie and if anybody tells you different fracture their skull and tell them to shut-up!
I know he’s just a washed up drunk French guy who can do splits now. Let’s not forget before we had Jason Statham, Jean Claude was the baddest mo-fo across the pond! Don’t sit there and act like you didn’t love Kickboxer! Anyway if you ever wondered how Van Damme became the Van Damminator here you go!
So earlier this week we were hipped to a new flick (yeah we were born in the seventies) called Hobo with a Shotgun! Starring Rutger Hauer who has been in more movies than you could ever watch (because he keeps making them), such as Batman Begins, Blade Runner, Sin City, The Hitcher, and our personal favorite Blind Fury! It’s a heart wrenching tale the makers of the film describe it as such;
A train pulls into the station – it’s the end of the line. A Hobo jumps from a freight car, hoping for a fresh start in a new city. Instead, he finds himself trapped in an urban hell. This is a world where criminals rule the streets and Drake, the city’s crime boss, reigns supreme alongside his sadistic murderous sons, Slick & Ivan. Amidst the chaos, the Hobo comes across a pawn shop window displaying a second hand lawn mower. He dreams of making the city a beautiful place and starting a new life for himself. But as the brutality continues to rage around him, he notices a shotgun hanging above the lawn mower… Quickly, he realizes the only way to make a difference in this town is with that gun in his hand and two shells in its chamber.
So the creator of this wonderful film was actually a contest winner from a create your own fake trailer contest that had something to do with the Grindhouse flick, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodríguez’s double feature a few years back. So he decided to return the favor with a contest of his own and well you can see the results for yourself! There’s a bit of double entendre;
Since I was young I have been fascinated with apocalyptic theories, I have read and re-read every Robert Anton Wilson Book, I have delved deep into ancient and mystic text, and spent countless hours over analyzing the works of US philosopher Terrence McKenna. For those unfamiliar Timewave theory it was developed by McKenna, who studied the “Book of Changes” or the “I Ching” (one of the oldest Chinese books ). I Ching is a Chinese system formed from 64 hexagrams determined by two lines (commonly known in the West) as yin and yang.Despite being the go-to choice for tattoo flash at Daytona beach throughout the 1990s. McKenna theorizes that the I Ching may have initially been used as a calendar system. By studying the ancient writings, he conceived a numerological formula through which was assigned an I Ching symbol to each major event that took place in History. McKenna noticed that around the year 2012, the coincidence of events ( that can occur ) is a lot bigger. He hypothesized that around the winter solstice in 2012, civilization would be the subject to some major change. This coincided with theories already circulating on the Mayan calendar; particularly centering around the end of the 13th b’ak’tun of the Mayan calendar. Most specialists that studied the theory believe that McKenna misinterpreted the I Ching oracle, and that his study was incorrect.
Weather or not you buy McKenna’s right or not, it is obvious, and has been obvious for sometime that something is happening. The increased in cycles of “novelty” the rapid succession that world-wide events are unfolding, be it catastrophic weather patterns, global upheaval throughout the Middle east, Asia and Europe. Even in America there is civil unrest and discontent by various sides depending on perspective. There feels like a condensing of time. This may or may not be true. It could all be delusions of a few drug addled men and women. It could be the collective hallucination of a species that has sense it’s inception sought out confound itself with beliefs and dogma that (as far as we know) does not exist in other animals. My love of end-time, apocalyptic cults is rivaled only by my love of comic books and professional wrestling! I love our current age of disposable deities and fleeting celebrity worship. Faster than a season of American Idol can keep up with the information age gives us weekly idols, monthly Gods, daily heroes to worship. This in a sense brings up the question of how sacred can something be when it is only temporary. The answer of course is that everything is temporary and nothing is stable, therefore nothing is sacred and all things are in a since novelty.I believe it is necessary and healthy and that the ease in which the snake is now shedding its skin and being reborn only completes the cycle. Although the cycle is never truly complete and the war never ends.
So tonight I was fortunate enough to live in a city that got a screening of the new Grant Morrison Documentary Talking With Gods.If you don’t know who Grant Morrison is then I feel sorry for you, your life has been empty and meaningless up until this point. He is the single greatest writer on the planet! I know you’re asking “if he’s so great-how come I haven’t heard of him before!” Well, that’s because he primarily writes comic books and if you think that is a negative then you are probably too dumb to continue reading so leave my site and go watch football or what ever it is you people do.
I saw this amazing film at the Roxie which is in the heart of the Mission District of San Francisco, a historic old theater where the same guy that sells you you ticket rips it and sells you popcorn. There was a lot of activity and people coming in and out of bars on my way there. I was running a little late because I take the bus and well the bus is never on time (although it runs more on time in SF than any city I have ever lived). I got in just as the film was starting and I was immediately shocked that there were only a dozen people in attendance. Exactly twelve people, making me the thirteenth apostle. The irony was not lost. I sat in the back as I tend to do. And took off my jacket and listened intently as the narrative of Grants life unfolded. I should say that Grant Morrison is my favorite writer of all time, I respect his work above all other, so there is no way that this movie would surprise me or tell me anything I didn’t know. I have read and owned everything he has ever written and has been written about him. I have since 1993 devoted myself to his words. His first work that drew me in was Doom Patrol, a reboot of 60s comic that inspired the X-Men. I have read Arkham Asylum more than a hundred times, and based much of my life around his ground breaking book The Invisibles. Sounds rather geeky, sad, but you’re wrong. I was a big black nerd in the middle of nowhere North Carolina when I first discovered this man and his amazing talent. I was alone and my mother was dying of cancer. He spoke to me on a level that no one had at that point. And his work awakened a beast that still rages to this day. I would not even be writing this blog had I not discovered his work. He inspired me to to start a zine called Rant and Rave in 1994 that was the genesis for all the work that I do now. I remember reading his Kid Eternity three issue series when it first came out and feeling like finally there was some one out there on he same trip that I was. His work has always been magical and about magic.
I wrote to Grant during the very beginning of the Invisibles and sent him a copy of my zine. He made it a point to include my letter in the letters pages and thank me for the zine. It kept me going until I ran out of money and the acid took to much control over my life. Yes it was Grant who inspired my foray into psychedelics. Though the selling of the drug was more on me I got caught up int he rave culture all on my own. I remember sitting in my grandmothers basement waiting each month for the next issue to come in the mail. I would spend each day analyzing every panel, dissecting every reference. Reading what ever Grant suggested ordering book after book through the book of the month club I had signed up for out of the back of the TV Guide. By the time I graduated high school in 1995 I had a working understanding of theoretical physics. I had mapped out hyperspace in my mind. When I actually began venturing out into the world I immediately tried to create my own Invisible sell. I found my own Ragged Robin and positioned myself as King Mob. This was long before the story had ended and I was living it right along side of Grant. By the time the Invisibles did end I was in Prison for violating my probation. I was on probation for planting a fake bomb in my local mall, because I was living my anarchist fantasy. Now many people would hate a writer who inspired them in this way, but I embraced him even more. I believe that going to prison and all the other insanity that ensued throughout my life has helped me become who I am. Grants work literally took me across the world and here I sit in San Francisco still living my dream, I meet other Invisbles all the time. Many of which have never even heard of Grant and when I share my graphic novels with them they disappear and I have to buy them again. There is no way I could ever fully express what this man means to me. There are several key influences that I have had; My Mothers Death in 1993, My Grand Mothers Death in 2000, and Grant Morrison. Other people and moments have helped but without these three things I have no idea who I would be.
What the fuck is going on in Pop music these days? I mean pop music has pretty much always sucked. From the days when Pat Boone was the biggest name in music to Elvis, The Osman’s in the seventies, Madonna in the 80’s, U2, Britney Spears, up to the Lady Gaga’s and the rest of the lame horrible no talent mass marketed fucktards that populate the airwaves and are the real reason aliens haven’t made open contact with our primitive race. I mean if we are stupid enough to pay for the Black Eyed Peas then we are too dumb to have a intelligent conversation with anyone who can build a fracking star ship! Yet as an armature social anthropologist I watched the 2010 MTV Video Music Award’s just to see what the general population is into these days. I already realized last a few years ago that I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too old to be watching anything on MTV, but recently I have been sucked back into the Real World and the commercials for the VMA’s peaked my interest enough to check them out before Mad Men came on. So in actuality I only watched the first hour and the last ten minutes. I also watched the red carpet bally-who, which is where I saw that jack-ass from that crappy Pop group Black-Eyed Peas, you know the one that made that shitty Obama song! Yeah that jack-ass. Imagine my surprise when I saw him standing there next to Niki Manaj’s ass ( literally her ass was all you could focus on-it was so huge and round she couldn’t even move in her purple and pink PVC fetish wear, although my sister claims her ass is indeed fake, its still impressive) dressed as Grace Jones! Yes Grace Jones! I know a lot of people on the inter-webs were up in arms over his black-face. Calling it inappropriate and racist (although a black man in black face isn’t really racist is it?), I thought it was kinda dumb, but then I am old enough to remember Ms. Jones and all of her blackness doing the same thing long before Mr. I. Am. In fact with that pink armband he looks more like a member of some Grace Jones Nazi Youth. Jones for her part has already called out that tranny calling himself a Lady! So there’s no need in going into the countless comparisons between the two. But it seems all of the Pop world owe a dept to Grace who like them used wild costumes and a strong following from the homosexual community to propel her self into international stardom despite an utter lack of any musical talent. Choosing instead to be an avant guard performance artist who spent more time grabbing sensational headlines than creating anything even remotely listenable. After Will I. Am and Niki Manaj ripped apart the classic Buggles tune (Video Killed the Radio Star), there was a all to boring performance by Eminem who seems to have fully embraced his homosexuality after years of beating his stupid wife over it. The guys from Jack-Ass drug there 40-year-old broken bodies out to promote their latest wast of film. There was some smoking hot red-head that sounded exactly like Kate Bush in there too. Then this lesbian came out and pretended to be a 15 year-old boy. Seriously I have nothing against trans-gender people, but what is it with so many of them being pop icons this year? It would be one thing if they were open about it but pretending to be something else-didn’t they see Boys Don’t Cry? This never ends well. After that little lesbian finished lip-syncing, I had to change the channel and watch some sweet, sweet Mad Men. As usual I was good and drunk by the end of the episode and flipped back in time for the surprise of the evening. I’m not talking about the surprise appearance of 72-year-old Cher hobbling out in the same damn outfit she wore 25 years ago when she showed off her sex change on that battleship. The star of last years award show and perpetual loudmouth gave a performance straight out of the some Lower Manhattan artist space circa 1985. Complete with bright red suit, gold chains, and ballet dancers. Since when did hip-hop equal ballet? There was very little hip-hop about Kanye left anymore,but I hate to even admit this but, I kinda liked the song. I know, I know, blasphemy right, I still hate the man, and wish everyday he would have died in that car wreck that made him famous, but he does create some catchy tunes. I would never be caught dead even downloading his shit for free much less paying for it, but I can’t lie and say that the song he played (as a fuck you to all those who criticized his running on stage to make another talentless hack cry) was bad. No, no all in all watching what little of the VMA’s that I did made me realize that the days of Seals and Croft weren’t all that bad.
Perhaps I’ve been watching too much cable news, or spending too much time online, but I’ve become furious with the absolute horse shit that is coming out of the insane mouths of people like Sarah Palin and Sharron Angle. The absolutely bat shit crazy/paranoid conspiracy theories of Michelle Bachman, the extreme right views on immigration and vengeful, hateful attitude of so-called Christians towards homosexuals. Actual politicians calling for the constitution to be changed and the 14th Amendment to be done away with, while the same assholes cry about how much they love the founding fathers in the same breath. It all sounded familiar, but I knew that not all of these maniacs had read Behold A Pale Horse. Then I remembered where I had heard such lunacy before; Tracts! You remember these things right. During the mid to late 1990s they were everywhere. Published by Chick Publications out of Ontario, CA. They were drawn by Jack Chick a failed actor who drew these things for thirty years. On the web site it states that he was “called home to our lord” in 1998. Although several of his cartoons suggest that spirits don’t rise up until the rapture. They were like Tijuana Bibles for religious nut-bags. They always warned of the coming apocalypse, WWIII, and the rise of the Beast! The decried the loss of freedom under Billy Clint, and stated that anyone who wasn’t born-again would be left behind. They were cute, and drawn to look like they were taken straight from Mad Magazine. They featured tons of misquoted bible verses and always ended with damning the reader. For me and my friends they seemed like a harmless joke, not in any way to be taken seriously. I had dozens of hem, at one point I had a whole shoe box filled with the damn things.
I lost my collection somewhere along the way and almost forgot about them. Until it dawned on me that perhaps, there were some kids out there who didn’t think they were a joke. People so fucking scared of anything that wasn’t white and Christian that the pathetic cartoons in these stupid things actually rang true. They took this shit seriously and it motivated them to get into politics so that they could stave off the coming apocalypse. Now 15 or so years later they are running for office and organizing tea parties with their other paranoid friends. They are influencing policies and fucking up all of our lives with their twisted version of biblical truth. How on earth did it come to this. We barely survived the false born-again bullshit of George Bush, but now these psychos are on the march again. Even more twisted and fueled by their hatred of Americas first black president. Make no mistake these dick-wads are not mad at Obama for being too liberal or trying to take away there guns, because lets face it he ain’t that liberal and no moves have been made to take away anybodies guns.
These fears are not based in reality, what they are afraid of is the fact that he isn’t white. When Bush and Cheney stripped away half of the rights of Americans with their so-called Patriot act not one of these freedom loving Tea-Baggers said a fucking word, not one single peep was heard. When we were lied to and manipulated into a war that had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11 no one opened their mouth, the waved their flags and bought SUVs. Since the election of President Obama these pieces of shit white supremacist hide behind some false love of the constitution and cry that the President of the United States is not even a legal citizen! It’s all so absurd it would make me laugh if it wasn’t so fucking true. These dipshits seem to be everywhere screaming louder than anyone else, while the overwhelming majority of people who got Obama elected sit on their ass and say nothing. I don’t know whats happening to America right now, but it ain’t good. Perhaps it’s the death throes of the fascist right, perhaps it truly is the march toward Armageddon. I can’ t help but think back to those stupid Chick tracts and think this is somehow their fault.
On a recent trip to Portland to see the greatest band on earth (TMG) I met a man who introduced me to a term I had never heard of-Mumblecore. Wikipedia describes Mumblecore as; an American independent film movement that arose in the early 2000s.It is primarily characterized by ultra-low budget production (often employing digital video cameras), focus on personal relationships between twenty-something’s, improvised scripts, and non-professional actors. Filmmakers in this genre include Lynn Shelton, Andrew Bujalski, Mark Duplass, Jay Duplass, Aaron Katz, Joe Swanberg, and Barry Jenkins. It goes on to say that; the term “Mumblecore” was coined by Eric Masunaga, a sound editor who has worked with Bujalski. Masunaga coined the term one night at a bar during the 2005 South by Southwest Film Festival, but it was Bujalski who first used it in an interview with indieWIRE. The basic gist was explained to me as a movie with no real plot or script and non professional actors whom talk about nothing, in front of shitty cameras for extended periods of time. As someone who likes to write and enjoys well written entertainment this sounded like nothing more than two hour episodes of Seinfeld (which I hate), so why bother right? Well then I looked the term up after it was mentioned in a local review for “Cyrus” the, new movie starring (Dr. Steve Brule) John C. Reilly and Jonah Hill. And I although the man I had met told me that The Puffy Chair was the seminal Mumblecore film I noticed a movie called “Dance Party USA”, which is; to those who have known me for more than a few years-one of the things I like to say. So I clicked on it and low and behold it was made by a bunch of kids who went to North Carolina School of the Arts, which is located in my hometown! So this got me interested and I dug a little deeper. A New York Times article claims that Andrew Bujalski’s 2002 “Funny Ha Ha,” (which just sounds like a Seinfeld episode) was the first Mumblecore film. But I decided to go with the hometown hero. It took me awhile to actually find “Dance Party USA” , but then I found it and watched it and well…It reminded me of “Kids”, but with lest interesting kids; which is the best part of “Kids”! I mean why watch a movie that goes nowhere, with people who aren’t very interesting? Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten too old or maybe it’s because kids today aren’t as cool as we were, or perhaps it’s because I can’t get behind a rapist as a main character. Oh wait that was just like Kids too! Yeah but the rest of the movie was good where as the rest of Dance Party was not. Perhaps it is because I’m older, I just felt like strangling the kids in this movie. I wanted to shake them and scream “Wake Up”, tell them to do something with their meaningless lives. But then I think back to when I was young I had the same feeling about those around me. That’s why I tried so hard to create something out of the nothing that we were doing. Yet it was as futile as these children’s lives seem to be. This movie really makes being a teenager in the 2000’s seem so boring, where as if I was a kid now I would be having the time of my life. I couldn’t even imagine what I would do with this much information and resources’ at my finger tips. These kids have no idea how boring shit was before the internet. Yet we made it fun we went out and got fucked up and actually did shit we tore up the night and whooped and hollered, fucked like rabbits and drank some more until the damn sun came up and went down again. I mean I raised hell all the way up until my body physically couldn’t take it anymore. Then I went to prison and recuperated and got out and did it some more until my body fell apart again. Perhaps in a different context or a different time I would be able to enjoy this movie. I mean it was extremely similar to Kids (which I loved) and at the time I hailed it as the future of cinema. Now I see the error of my ways. Movies need stories. Movies need plots, and characters that you can care about. Granted most of the stories in movies these days are shit and the same tired formulas we’ve seen a million times, and something needs to be done to shake up the film industry. But Mumblecore ain’t it! Hollywood should let me write a movie I would give these kids something that would inspire them to set fires and attack their local malls. That’s what’s lacking in kids these days, proper inspiration. That and a decent education! Towards the end of the movie the lead character Gus ask the female lead Jessica if she wants’ to split the price of a $3 photo booth with him, after he says he has two dollars and she has say that she has one. I just wanted to yell at the two ignorant teens “That’s not splitting!”
Now playing: The Flaming Lips – Sagittarius Silver Announcement [*][DVD]
So I was up until almost 5 trying to create this last night! I couldn’t believe that no one had done it yet! I quickly realized why after spending and hour and a half trying to find the SNL clip without all the Hulu shit around it. You can’t steal Hulu vids because of the commercial they put in front, when I try to download it all I get its the stupid commercial. Anyway I finally found it on some kids Myspace page, then it was a matter of isolating the part where she says “Wizard of Ass”, which was the easiest part. Next was turning it into a GIF, and I didn’t have a program that would convert WMV into GIF so I had to download one. Which is why it has that stupid reel thing in the corner, the program I used was a demo and to remove that stupid reel I would have to spend $40 that I don’t have right now. So after a couple of tries I came up with one that I liked I had to pan across the image so you could get a good shot of the beloved Betty, then my girl Friday had to point out that it didn’t seem funny with out the sound so she suggested I to go back and put words on it. I think it turned out okay despite that stupid reel thing in the corner. Now it’s up to you the internet to spread the word and make sure everyone sees this. If you can make a better one go right ahead but until you do spread this mother fucker!
The Porn Parody (or is it Parody Porn), has been a staple of pornography since the late eighties/early nineties, but it lost a lot of steam when Gonzo and the Euro-Trash took over the market at the turn of the century, but now it seems to be making a resurgence. Thanks in part to the fact that porn aha become (once again) so mainstream and ubiquitous that women are starting to watch it again. Lately browsing through the Internets vast selection of fuck flicks I have come across several titles that peaked my interest, some of them interesting , some of them a complete waste of time. It seems the trend now is to take television programs that ran on syndication in the late eighties/early nineties and trick them out to fulfill some kinda twisted fantasies that ran through most of our subconscious when we were 12. There are parody’s of everything from the 1960s Batman series, I Dream of Jeanie, The Brady Bunch (which promises to be sick), to more modern shoes like Jersey Shore, Scrubs, Reno 911. There are parodies of Seinfeld which I downloaded before watching and kinda regret, although there is a scene with Sasha Grey it is arguably one of her worst. There are parodies of real life figures as well like Jesse James and Tiger Woods exploring all their controversies, Bret Hart, Flavor Flav, and their respective “reality” shows, there’s even one for Celebrity Fit Camp! Hustler seems to be leading the way with their “This Ain’t…” series, but other companies are on the band wagon. Their are two particular parodies that have peaked my interest though and sort of inspired this blog. The upcoming parody of Roseanne, and the Golden Girls, two of my all time favorites, and the focus of several of my own pre-pubescent fantasies. Yes I had the hots for Roseanne Barr! I’ll admit it, she was funny and just like with Lucille Ball that was more than enough (although it wasn’t enough for Carrol Burnett-sorry no way hose’). I never minded a bigger gal even as a child, and well who doesn’t love a dirty white trash slut? Not to mention Darlene, I mean c’mon what teenage comic book nerd didn’t want to bang her in high school based on the Invisibles poster on her wall alone ? I digress, needless to say I had more than a few fantasies about the Connors when I was a kid. There was a nother family of sorts I also wanted to bang back then, and for them my hard on has not waned! That is the beautiful Golden Girls, Sophia, Blanche, Dorothy (well maybe not Bea Arthur), and sweet, sweet, Rose! If you’ve read GF.com before you already know my affinity for Betty White and how much I’d love to spend a summer in between her creamy white thighs. Now she is the last one left the sole survivor, and if there is a God, he has saved the best for last. So when I heard there was a XXX Golden Girls parody coming down the pike I put it on my wish list! Until that is I saw the tacky trailer. I mean that’s a bit harsh Porn Parodies are supposed to be tacky and tasteless and funny when there is no need for comedy. Listen I get the concept and I know you guys are just out there to capitalize on the whole BW’s craze going on and I am fully aware that not everyone would like to see an octogenarian get a big black cock shoved up her ass until her dentures fall out! But come on! At least the ladies playing the roles of the beloved GG’s should have been mature mammas, not some 30 something over-the-hill starlet’s masquerading as our favorite GMILFs! I want a Golden Gals parody that actually has some golden gals in it. I know Grandma porn exist and I can watch it all day long, so why not get a few maturer ladies to open up their poon’s for the parody. At least Nina Hartley she’s still smoking for pushing 50 years int he business! I mean they didn’t get some skinny starlet in fat suit to play Rosey they gave us an honest to god plumper to jack-off to (kudos for that Dream Zone). Of course I will still see it and possibly even download it, but I’m not gonna be happy about it. Although the working girl playing my Rose kinda looks like Molly Shannon on the box cover, and that’s another comedy broad that can get the old meat stick any day of the week! GF to the fullest!
So on Saturday me and my lady went out to see the MacGruber movie. Before I get started with my review of the film I want to just asked what the hell happened to the matinée? Once upon a time not that long ago if you went to a movie before 6 you got a special matinée price, it was just a few dollars off the regular movie price but in these tight times every little bit counts. That’s the whole point of going early! Instead we paid $21.50 for a movie we just kinda wanted to see. Now you have to show up before noon to see a matinée. Who wants to go the movies for breakfast? This is why people download everything-this is why I usually download everything. Not that I don’t go to the movies often we try to have a movie date at least once a week (sometimes we skip a week if nothing good is out). I also live in California so things are a little higher priced than they are in other places, but that’s the price you pay for living by the sea waiting for the earthquake to swallow you whole. Another thing I want to rail on is; what happened to hot popcorn? Since when is it okay to charge $12.50 for a bag of cold popcorn and $6.75 for a drink with no refill? Yet like a moron I payed it and settled in for a hour and half long SNL sketch.
The movie was funny enough. It was more or less what I expected, the theme song (a slow-mo version of the one they play on TV) even ended with “I can’t believe they made a movie out of-MACGRUBER!“ There was tons of dick jokes and pseudo-homosexuality. The kind we’ve grown accustomed to in this post-Will Ferrel/ Tim and Eric world of comedy. It still kinda blows my mind the ease in which these seemingly straight actors slip so easily into homosexuality, but I guess you can’t be a famous actor without sucking a little dick here and there. So that was thrown out through the entire film. There was surprisingly a great deal of action for a comedy. It seemed at times they secretly wanted to make a straight action flick! The cameos by some of the lesser known WWE superstars early on was perfect since I am an avid wrestling fan. The brief scene involving The Big Show was perhaps the best scene in the movie, far more believable than the hilarious sex scenes between Will Forte and Maya Rudolph or Kristen Wiig. Who’s role seemed somewhat diminished, I can’t wait for her to break out. She is by far the funniest member of the current SNL cast and well deserving of a starring role. The soundtrack was awesome! The movie was right along side of Hot Tub Time Machine for cheesy eighties references and in some ways I think HTTM did a better job at it. I was never a huge MacGuyver fan as a kid though (couldn’t stand the mullet). It was less of a rape of my childhood than A-Team will be. The summer seems to be shaping up as scarce on good movies, there’s Johna Hex but I never read that comic, other than that I can’t really think of any movie I want to see. I will probably go to Get him to the Greek next week (maybe). Forte did a good job extended the joke and taking the character to some places he could never go on network television. Although there was a bit more celery in the ass than I thought there would be. All in all I was satisfied with the movie and happy to give it a few more dollars to compete with Shrek which crushed it in the box office as anticipated. I can’t wait until Hollywood starts coming up with original ideas and I’m still kinda pissed at the loss of the matinee.
I had a dream last night that I was saving gay teenagers from the religious right by talking shit about the bible. I also had a dream I wrote a script for Zach Galifianakis about an amateur wrestling promotion!
In the first one I was at some high school dance for some reason and this guy showed up with a bus trying to take kids away saying he was going to “show them the light of the lord”, so I stepped in and started saying that the bible was written by the Catholic church and Jesus probably couldn’t even read, he was just a barefoot carpenter who’s mom got knocked up by a man who wasn’t the one she was forced to marry at 13 by her family. I went on to say that Jesus was most likely just some dude who got twelve good buddies together to walk around in the desert with him and trip balls off the heat; so much that they started believing their own bullshit. And that what people today refer to as the word of god is actually a manufactured narrative put together by early rulers of the Catholic Church to control the local population. It worked so well that the government at the time used it to influence natives of the lands they conquered and spread this so-called religion around to keep the status quo. If there were a just and loving god, he would not condemn people for loving; just because it freaked a few people out. Then I pointed out that the guy who was trying to convert them looked to me to be a closet case himself. I pointed out how most homophobes were just mad because they can’t accept their own desires, so because of their own fucked-up up-bringing they thought they could pray the gay away. But as the Catholic Church itself has shown us – even a man of supposed God – can’t pray the gay away! Then all the kids started cheering and I woke up.
I rolled back over and fell into a dream where I was hanging out in this dark back room with Zach G and we were doing shots and I was rolling a blunt, we started talking about our mutual love for North Carolina and Professional Wrestling.
We started brainstorming about what our characters would be, and he came up with this character called the Doctor; who was just this inept optometrist who was constantly trying to check people’s eyes. He was upset that he couldn’t become an “ear, nose, and throat man” like his mother wanted. He was a horrible wrestler who only won when his über hot nurse distracted his opponent. He wasn’t big time he just wrestled for fun in VFW posts and high school gymnasiums on the weekend. In real life he was in fact an optometrist with said mother issues and the hot nurse was in fact his lovely wife played by Kristen Wiig. Yet rather than actually write the script out first we decided to act it out live for unsuspecting audiences. We got on a small promotion in Alabama where they didn’t know who either of them was and became a huge hit, then we got a call from Vince McMahon of the WWE. We were flipping out in a hotel room when I woke up. I have a lot of weird dreams.
You know you’re old when you start saying things like “kids these days”! But, seriously-what the fuck is going on with kids these days??? I knew years ago that giving little girls cell phones was a bad idea. They had no one to call so they would spend hours with a bedazzler putting cheap looking plastic rhinestones all over their Nokia that their parents got for free when they added a line. Now they’ve gotten a little older and graduated to bedazzling their crotches! The whole craze seems to be sparked by Jennifer Love Hewitt(yes, the Ghost Whisperer), and an appearance she made on the George Lopez Show! I didn’t even know anyone watched the George Lopez Show for one thing. Vajazzaling has quickly become the hot new thing to do amongst the kids, and like all trends is marked by a facebook page. This seems just bizarre but even more bizarre is the fact that the hilarious website Christwire is up in arms about the whole shebang. Claiming (and I quote) “This trend has caused females to resort to patently whorish methods in order to distract young men from their heart’s true desire in college study and become successful.” Because we all know that’s what young men go to college for-riiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhttttt!