Last night I dreamed that I was someone else…
I had a dream last night that I was saving gay teenagers from the religious right by talking shit about the bible. I also had a dream I wrote a script for Zach Galifianakis about an amateur wrestling promotion!
In the first one I was at some high school dance for some reason and this guy showed up with a bus trying to take kids away saying he was going to “show them the light of the lord”, so I stepped in and started saying that the bible was written by the Catholic church and Jesus probably couldn’t even read, he was just a barefoot carpenter who’s mom got knocked up by a man who wasn’t the one she was forced to marry at 13 by her family. I went on to say that Jesus was most likely just some dude who got twelve good buddies together to walk around in the desert with him and trip balls off the heat; so much that they started believing their own bullshit. And that what people today refer to as the word of god is actually a manufactured narrative put together by early rulers of the Catholic Church to control the local population. It worked so well that the government at the time used it to influence natives of the lands they conquered and spread this so-called religion around to keep the status quo. If there were a just and loving god, he would not condemn people for loving; just because it freaked a few people out. Then I pointed out that the guy who was trying to convert them looked to me to be a closet case himself. I pointed out how most homophobes were just mad because they can’t accept their own desires, so because of their own fucked-up up-bringing they thought they could pray the gay away. But as the Catholic Church itself has shown us – even a man of supposed God – can’t pray the gay away! Then all the kids started cheering and I woke up.
I rolled back over and fell into a dream where I was hanging out in this dark back room with Zach G and we were doing shots and I was rolling a blunt, we started talking about our mutual love for North Carolina and Professional Wrestling.
We started brainstorming about what our characters would be, and he came up with this character called the Doctor; who was just this inept optometrist who was constantly trying to check people’s eyes. He was upset that he couldn’t become an “ear, nose, and throat man” like his mother wanted. He was a horrible wrestler who only won when his über hot nurse distracted his opponent. He wasn’t big time he just wrestled for fun in VFW posts and high school gymnasiums on the weekend. In real life he was in fact an optometrist with said mother issues and the hot nurse was in fact his lovely wife played by Kristen Wiig. Yet rather than actually write the script out first we decided to act it out live for unsuspecting audiences. We got on a small promotion in Alabama where they didn’t know who either of them was and became a huge hit, then we got a call from Vince McMahon of the WWE. We were flipping out in a hotel room when I woke up. I have a lot of weird dreams.