Fucking everything, one goat at a time!

R.I.P. Haim-ster!

In wake of the tragic news that the world today has one less Corey in it I sadly post these three articles I wrote for back in 1996 for Crunchy Magazine (Published by crunchy Music in Greensboro NC). These were written long before the two Corey’s resurfaced when the world was experiencing a vast and dark Corey void. The 80s had only just begun to make a comeback and their revival was nowhere in sight. There was no Surreal Life or Two Corey’s reality show. We had no idea what had become of them All we had were memories and with tongue firmly in cheek I penned these short odes to everything Corey.

Totally Corey!!!

Article One: Why we’re all Goonies!

Article Two: Corey v/s Corey?

Article Three: The Best Corey Flick of All Time!

We are all Goonies; Searching for something that isn’t there anymore, placing all our hopes in a past that isn’t real, fearing what cannot really hurt us. We are all Goonies; Misfit adventurers who live in our own fantasy realms where we are all the heroes. If we are lucky we will be thrust into a real adventure and finally be able to live. Or we will spend our lives chained in front of a television, junk food our only diet, until one day a Goonie will set us free and make us one of them.
We are all Goonies; getting by on luck and old movies. Our lives already acted out before us, long before we were even born. If we only remember where all the booby traps will be, then we’ll be alright. We might even make it on T.V. If we remember how it was done on screen, and play our roles, the bad guys will always get caught. If we have someone up above us watching out, the police will show up just in time to haul them off.
We are all Goonies; if we look deep down inside of us and do what’s right, we will get a kiss or a hug, and discover our true friends along the way. And if we believe hard enough our ship will sail.
We are all Goonies!

****
Which Corey did you like the best? Corey Haim, with his mouth open and neatly trimmed hair, prepubescent crackly voice, always unsure, yet always right. Boy next door with his weird friend and back-pack full of comics. He’s always happy and headed for trouble, hyper and full of beans.
Or do you like bad boy Corey Feldman? Feldman with his long hair always draped over just one eye, (which is often covered by shades day or night). Sweet, charming, and up to something. The kid who is always “just hanging out”, yet you know he is going to get you into trouble.
Your mom would like you to hang out with Haim more. He could help you with your Algebra. He could take you to the cabin with his rich ass parents. She would trust him. Your dad would warn you about Feldman. He would frown when he came over. He would say things like “Don’t you have any other friends?”, or “Doesn’t he have a home?” Feldman would convince you to steal candy from the corner store. He would keep you out past curfew, and give you your first beer, then hit you on the back and make you choke.
Haim would be there if you ever got caught in a jam, while Feldman would be the one to get you into that jam. Though Feldman would point his finger at you and go click-click and say “You owe me one”, Haim would just ask if you were okay and invite you back to his parents for hot co-co.

If you’re the type of person who likes to drive safely and kiss your mom on the forehead before you go to school each morning, then this Corey is for you.

If you’re the type of person who likes a little danger and excitement, and would outright like to piss your parents off then this is the Corey for you.

Either way, if you get one Corey, you inevitably get them both. Because as anyone in Hollywood can tell you one Corey is good but two Corey’s is even better!

***
What is the best Corey movie? It is so hard to choose just one. They starred in so many classics together and separate. Feldman has “The Goonies”, “Stand by me”, and “The Burbs” (with Tom Hanks). Haim has “Lucas” and “First Born”. Together they have “License to Drive”, “Last Resort”, “Dream a Little Dream”, and of course the timeless “Lost Boys”. They were so talented, so amazing in each and every performance it’s hard to pick just one.
The Corey’s are such a part of our childhood growing up in the eighties, their movies were constantly on rotation on Cinemax and HBO, or one of those UHF Saturday matinees (UHF were the Channels beyond 12 in the pre-cable days kids). We all grew up with the two of them. They were as much a part of our lives as Loony Tunes and You can’t Do That on Television, as timeless and ageless as Red Foxx or Cap’N’Crunch.
They gave to us their teenage years, and what have we given them but an adulthood in obscurity, rehab and of course The Viper Room. The Corey’s were so special, not because of their considerable dramatic range (they basically played the same two guys in all of their films), but because they played us! I mean whether you were the shy kid afraid of Vampires and the world, or a bad-ass who killed Vampires, but was still afraid of the world-there was a Corey for you to relate to. If you were into comics (Lost Boys), old movies (Goonies), or really-really into Michael Jackson (Dream a Little Dream). No matter how old I get or how cool I like to think I am I know deep down I will never be as cool, anti-jock, anti-hero, anti-old, or anything in between as the Corey’s were. Even in the Tom Hanks Classic “The Burbs” Feldman represented me, and I mimicked him, the smart-ass, wise-acre, boy next door stirring up mischief in the neighborhood, until the neighbors house blows up.
Sure “The Breakfast Club” said it all first, and “Some Kind of Wonderful” made it even clearer. That was for our older siblings and the Baby sitters generation. For us it was the “Goonies” that defined it all. Too bad it only featured one Corey. Even though John Cusack’s movies (“Better off Dead”, “One Crazy Summer”) showed us how to live outside the norm-nothing and I mean nothing drove it home like the Corey classic “Dream a Little Dream”! When they’re on the football field and the titular song is playing and everything is moving in slow motion, that is the best! You can keep all your Tim Curry flicks, John Hughs classics and Tom Hank’s movies, great as they may be. They got nothing on a Saturday afternoon filled with Corey films and cereal.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s